As of late things are going pretty well. But on a spiritual note i feel...for lack of a better word, lacking. Its not so much a lacking though, its more like being unprepared or at least there is a fear of being unprepared. of coarse this is really a pointless fear because I love a God that is bigger than i am. He will put me into situation that i can handle and he will give me the words to speak. So why then this fear? Maybe its lack of faith, doubt. I saw a movie called doubt about a catholic preist and a nun that cast a hole lot of doubt onto his character.... one of the points of the story being that doubt is very very destructive. It blinds us, and brings us far from God. I want to be close to Him and i want to have faith. I long to be love and i long for righteousness. But i find myself in this sin of not trusting God. And essentially not showing Him Love. My God is a God of love. He is love. and it is an ever long road to grasp His love. Why though? i think the concept is easily grasped but also easily forgotten. There is no greater love than a man laying down his life for a friend. Christ did this for us when we were sinners! I want to be like Christ and the more knowledge i get it seems like the hardest thing to do. It is so easy for me(being a bible college student) to just write someone off or to think that i obviously know the answers....so so easy....in my mind i say "i got this. and when i get it i will look great" But also in my mind i know that all that is good about me is good because of my creator! He has brought me to this place of knowledge. He has provided all the growth...everything, and even when i in all my pride rise up and mess something up, He can work it out to His glory! In my weakness Christ is show to be strong, and in my Strength i will give praise to God." and all this stems from my fears...all these thoughts and doubts. I have grown complaicent in my life...I have placed my God in a box and i pull Him out when i want to look impressive! Consider this my confession. I need healing and restoration from a God that is able. So now that it is all out there. what do i do? I look to Jesus. I know that He is my High priest and that he knows the struggles i face...and He will be there with me and that through His power i will find true life. yet this process is hard because i have reservations... In admitting all this i put myself under greater judgement...I have greater responsibility. Recently i have learned that i have brothers, who can and will help me in this trial...I know my family will be there too. And the Church will be there...and there is great encouragement for me in this. because i like to do things on my own but i realize that i cant....


I guess thats all for now. its late i need to get to sleep....


I love you all,
I'm praying for you, please pray for me

Rich

So things are going pretty well! im getting ready to do a all nighter...which will be fun! lucky for me i dont have to go to class in hebrews! but still i got an early morning with basic counseling at 9......great! anyway the real reason... whatever not worth writing on here...perhaps ill get out my real jounal!

So its been an interesting couple of weeks since my last blog or whatever this thing is...but here i am...

So firstly Ive had kinda thoughts about what i believe why i believe it, also what i am passionate about, and ive been dealing with child support issues.

firstly what i believe and why kinda came up because i was wondering about what other people believe, and it occurred to me that alot of people believe what their parents believe. that brought up the idea of would i be a Christian now if my family wasn't? is me following Christ a matter of blind faith or have i really considered it and deamed it legitimate! where i came to im not totally satisfied with honestly. I came to the fact that now that i know who Christ is and what He did for me i will follow Him with all of my fickle heart. its so hard to imagine life without Him. but is that enough to base my entire existence on...its almost like i base my life on how i feel...I guess i would love to have a mathematical equation so i could follow it and say to myself and others, "SEE here is where i found that this is truth!". I dont have the equation. i have a Book that i dont know nearly enough about and my understanding and my prejudices. I guess when it comes down to it...there is stuff that can be proved...anyone can look at nature and see that it was designed...no problems there.....why am i even having a problem with this faith thing....it makes sense to write it out....(though probably not to the reader). as i type i feel doubt leaving...though a part of me is still saying but what about Islam and Buddhism, and all those other things people are so sure of? I cannot say that im right because it feels right...idk...I know enough about my Jesus to say that He made some incredible claims, which He backed up with the whole resurrection thing... and the Grace alone is enough to make me realize that if i were in a religion without hope and i heard about the Jesus i know now that i would so totally follow Him. so i guess for me its enough to know that the God of the Jews came to Earth...Made claims about being God...and then offered His blood for my pitiful life...and there are definately enough historical documentations of this than most historical figures. so that enough...I guess ive made it through that thing in my list.

Next What is my passion/what would i fight for?

My answer to that is different most people i know can give me a answer like im going to Japan or the homeless, or the poor, or opening a coffee house and a venue that gives me the opportunity to talk to kids. and the crazy part about that is i like all of those ideas. i like the poor idea alot, probably because im pretty poor and right now im starting to see it and it kinda scares me...its a place that i need to place my faith in the Lord cause ive always been in this situation and trusted Him. money is such a hard thing because i know that God provides for His kids...theres a passage in Scripture(forgive me cause i dont know where it is) but i think its Jesus and He says what father when his son asks for bread gives him a rock,  and when he asks for a fish gives him a snake. and it talks about how even a bad parent will even give his kid good gifts, How much more will the Father in Heaven give good gifts?! i like that story, i also like it when He tells me im worth more than the birds and He will take care of me. so i know  to trust him to get me what i need ...but i still get stressed about money. but anyway back on topic...passion...I like the idea of Love, working as hard as i can as if it were for the Lord, carpentry, books. I would love to have a book store some day. its a comfortable place. at least for me.An i like working with wood, there is a reward in making something like that... i guess in my book store i could make the table chairs and book shelves. and sell them! it would be cool...im scared of that though....i would probably have to go to school again to actually be able to make some of that stuff. it more complicated than you would think! trust me ive been out in my shop these past couple of weeks and to do some of the stuff i would love to do would take a long time and alot better equipment than the average person has. but i think that would be awesome to do for the rest of my life. another thing im passionate about is family! wish i had one kinda. like i have one but i want my own...yah know. like to have my own wife and kids. its hard to explain how i feel about it...to put it into words. I would fight for them! following Jesus is another thing that im pretty passionate about...even though i stumble and i have my doubts i would die for Christ...even better I would Live for Him. and i try everyday to walk with Him. anyway i suck at it sometimes Praise His name for the grace that we are given!

Child support issues!?

Yeah my mom got my dad to pay her for shanes child support. and its gonna be for like maybe the next 4 years idk... but kinda in retaliation my dad decides hes not going to insure my car anymore and hes not gonna help me get out to see Kaitlyn, and he wont be able to help me financially basically for anything! and the sad part is that this child support thing wasnt granted for me...it was for Shane... im glad Shane is gonna get that...and my mom cause life is hard out here sometimes....i cant imagine how it works sometimes...but like i didnt do anything and im getting cut off! WHAT THE HECK! it just doesn't compute in my head.....but now im thinking of selling my car and im a little bitter.. not mad but any nature of me not wanting help from anyone financially has grown to even more and i feel even more like a leech now. idk...when i get to school ill get a job and hopefully i can sell my car .... and get something smaller and all that fun stuff....but whatever, basicly i feel alienated even more!



Ps. Thank you Kaitie for listen to my complaining at night and for all your support and prayer...You are absolutely wonderful, I love you

PPs. His mom if you reading this!